- Skank. Skank. Skank. - Skank.
Relax.
And now, through the holy miracle of television...
... it's America's favorite talk show: Zoo TV Late At Night.
- about the glitz and the glamour.
With the world's most watchable band, U2.
Now the man who eats the green clovers but refuses to eat the yellow stars:
Bono!
I got friends out there with ice picks.
Thank you! Thank you!
Great crowd we got tonight.
What happened? Did the bus from Jeopardy! break down again?
Thank you. But I'll tell you... Thank you!
In the time it takes you to stop applauding...
...they've dumped 17,000 tons of waste into the North Sea.
Don't flash that applause sign again...
...or you'll kill every duck in Belfast.
Larry!
That's a cue.
Rock 'n' roll doggy. Yeah!
All right. Now let's say hello to the master of the jangling six-string:
The Edge!
Looks like about 14 cows were slaughtered in outfitting The Edge tonight.
That's 14 cows less that are polluting the ozone with their methane gases.
Ouch! Edge is hot tonight. Can't be messing with him.
This is the section of the crowd over here...
...that would've voted for the fat Bono stamp. Yeah!
Vote for it. Exercise your right.
All right. Edge, play the blues.
Tonight, in the Zoo, we've got some very funky cats.
Our special guest tonight, Mr. George Jefferson himself:
Sherman Hemsley.
So let's get down. Let's get frisky.
Let's get absolutely busy!
Hey, how you doing? I'm Ben Stiller.
We're coming to you from a steam room...
I'll tell them why. Because Fox is a hot network, man.
- Watch, it'll make you lose weight. - Fox is so hot, I can't breathe.
- Hey, Janeane, how are you? - Hi.
We canceled the steam-room sketch, so you thought you'd host from here?
All right, let's go to our first piece.
- Just grab a robe and go with it. - I don't think so.
- I love you. - I love you too.
I don't think so.
It's time once again for Otto, the Anti-Cupid.
Growing up in the shadow of his younger brother, Cupid...
... Otto, embittered and enraged, dedicated his life...
... to forcing people to fall in love with the wrong person.
Benjamin Bradley, 28 years old.
Likes sports, the theater, being in the great outdoors...
...or inside by the fire, reading a good book.
Looks like a man in search of love to me.
There's a lovely one. She's a beauty.
Cupid's perfect match.
Too bad I'm not Cupid...
...and I'm filled with hatred and rage.
All right, ladies, time for love.
- Hi there. - Hello, young man.
No, I mean... Hi there. I'm Benjamin.
My name is Gertrude Anderson.
- You're beautiful. - I'm 78 years old.
The things you must know.
I'm sorry?
Teach me, Gert.
- Take me to school. - Young man!
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Gert!
I'm moving too fast. I know. I can go slower.
Really. I've done that too.
Whatever your game is, Gert, I'll play it.
Police! Police! Help! Help! Police!
Oh, yeah.
- Can I help you? - Yes. Yes, you can.
I'd like to see Gertrude, please.
Oh, dear! That's the man from the park.
Make him go away!
I don't know what kind of sick thrills you get from this.
This is a retirement home, not a playground for perverts.
She's expecting me! You don't understand!
What, didn't get enough attention from your grandparents?
Gertrude, please, just hear me out! I love you!
"I love you." That is rich.
I know we can make it work. We just both have to want it.
- I know you can hear me! - That does it, buddy. You're out of here.
- People like you make this world horrible. - Don't worry. He'll find love again.
- You have the bluest eyes. - What?
- Do you ski? - Get out of here!
I love my life.
Next week on Otto, the Anti-Cupid:
Wait! Wait!
I love you. I really love you.
I do. I don't care what my friends say.
Doomed souls wander the earth, unfit for heaven or hell.
And they're waiting to talk to you!
It's Kreepee Board!
Kreepee Board!
Just lay your hands on the pointer and let the spooks do the rest.
I am in Todd!
All right, gang, cookie break.
Creepy.
No, no! My baby!
Feel the cold hand of a loved one on your neck with Kreepee.
Some assembly required. Manufacturers are not responsible...
... for the eternal damnation of souls. Kreepee Board by Funnerz!
Letterman's out of there. The guy is defective. It's history. It's old news.
You'll be stuck without a paddle, saying, why couldn't I help you out?
I'm telling you, Willie, Tyler and Lester can host a show.
One's a dummy, one's a ventriloquist, but they can ask questions.
This is great. We'll sit with it. Okay, all right.
Michael, I've been looking, as you know, for an agent for a long time.
I just wanna make sure that I'm making the right decision, that's all.
Get out of here. Go see every other agent, then come back.
- You know you're gonna come back. - Well...
I've always loved... I'm a kid. I've always loved superheroes.
I came up with this superhero character...
...but my power would be having an incredible sense of smell.
Stop. No, really. Just wait a minute.
Have you been coming in here, sneaking through my papers?
Or were you electrocuted and you got psychic-something happening?
I'm not kidding you, six days ago, I wrote down, for no reason...
...not even knowing I was going to meet you:
Howie Mandel. Smell. Superhero.
- You like the idea? - Like it? Give me a taste. Come on.
Well, I would: And I would continue...
And I'd pick up the:
Find the crime.
There... There's a... A mastermind.
A criminal...
Smell the crime.
He's gonna overtake the world. I smell something.
I smell... Like that. It would be like that.
Wow. Can I just say I smelled it just then with you?
I mean, I'm not kidding you.
I don't know if this is a scary thing, but it's scary and funny.
I see it as St. Elsewhere meets the Wonder Woman kind of...
Great. You're my favorite client. I haven't even signed you yet.
- Well, I will sign. - This is why I got in the business.
So I could meet people like you. Go, "We're gonna do that together."
I'm excited. I'll call you in the morning to get the papers.
You know what I smell? I smell something.
I smell the beginning of a long something.
- This is gonna be great. - Hey, Howie, stay healthy.
That nose is a gold mine now, right?
Jennifer, Howie Mandel, he puts the glove on this head, right?
Or does he hit the fruit with the hammer?
Hey, welcome back.
This might be a good opportunity to thank our sponsors, the backbone of the show.
We never get to tell them how much we appreciate their support.
We use all the products that we sell.
For instance, my teeth are as white as these tiles.
- My toupee stays on even in water! - My corns have all dissolved.
The food is fast and delicious!
Thanks. Remember, buy those products. They're good, and they really do work.
It's time once again for a 30-second conspiracy theory.
John F. Kennedy was assassinated for one reason: Because he was obsessed...
...with the dream of mass-producing an electric car.
When the heads of the corporations found out about his dream...
...they sent a Ione gunman to Dallas.
He drove there without stopping for gas once, because he was driving in...
...an electric car.
With the death of John Kennedy, so died the dreams of the electric car.
But it was reborn in his son, Robert Kennedy, and died again.
And now the hopes and dreams of the electric car...
...live on only in me.
I will be assassinated on July 5, 1994...
...by Lee Harvey Oswald III.
He'll be driving an electric car.
The manatee is a slow, lumbering, docile creature...
...swimming majestically in the filthy toilet man has created.
We blow chunks into their home, rape their environment.
- We are committing genocide! - Cut.
He's fatigued from the expedition, perhaps a little punch-drunk.
Jacques, time is money. Let's just do this again.
Money? How much dollars will it take to clean the ocean?
- Let's do it again. - Re-cuing.
Monsieur Limon, please read the script in your hands.
Pierre...
This is my 85th special.
I know what I am doing.
- He'll be fine. - He better be.
The manatee is a slow, lumbering, docile creature...
...that roams the depths of the sea...
...searching in vain for a sweet lover.
I need a woman. Kiss me.
- Kiss me. - Cut!
I love you. Why do you taunt me with your beauty?
- Hey! Get off the glass! - Your loins scream for me. Admit it.
- Disgusting! - Come on, guys!
Monsieur, monsieur. The producer, she grows impatient.
Ah, Pierre. Women, they get impatient.
If they didn't, they wouldn't be so beautiful.
Here we go!
The manatee is a slow, lumbering, docile creature...
...that hurts no one.
He spends his time swimming in the ocean...
...until he is eventually killed.
Look at me. I am a helpless manatee!
- Cut! - But please don't kill me.
I swim in the ocean, and I love my life.
I'm holding you personally responsible for this!
Please.
Pierre, I'll get it.
The manatee is a slow, lumbering, docile creature...
...that roams the depths of the sea.
There he is. I call him François.
Hello, François!
- Cut! - I loved you...
But like everything I ever loved, you died a slow, tragic death...
...at the blade of my own propeller. I am your assassin!
- Oh, no! - That is it!
- Pierre, where are you? - Monsieur.
I killed François! It was all my fault!
- It was not your fault. - He came through the propeller!
- And he was spinning! - No, no.
- And he said, "Go away!" - We go home.
- I am home! I am home, Pierre! - I'll take you home.
- Is there anything we can salvage? - I can edit something together.
The manatee is a slow, lumbering, docile creature...
...that roams the sea searching for food...
...and someone to love!
All right, okay. We are back.
A couple of announcements here.
Tomorrow night, Mr. Lester Tuckerbee will be here...
...from Tulsa, Oklahoma. And he is 101 years old.
He's gonna bring on some giant vegetables he's grown in his garden.
Apparently, he's bringing on a 40-pound plantain.
Adam, you should have some fun with that one. Also, John Larroquette.
We're here with Sherman Hemsley. You were telling us a story. What was it?
Yeah, right. So Isabel...
You mean Wheezy? George's wife, Wheezy.
Right. Wheezy.
I love the way you say that. Wheezy. Yeah? Wheezy.
She's giving me one of her looks, you know?
It's that stone-cold look when you come home late from the dry cleaners.
Right. And Marla... Florence tells me:
- "I'm not wiping it up, Mr. Jefferson." - Now, she's a sassy lass.
She can really cook up the bacon and fry it up in a pan.
Anyway, I bend down to clean it up...
...but I slip and fall face first into it, right? I get up...
...it's all over my face. I'm bleeding. But I never miss a beat.
The crowd goes crazy. The cameras never stopped rolling.
This man's a trouper, isn't he? Give it up for Sherman Hemsley.
I also understand you're writing a cookbook. Is that so?
- That's right. - Why a cookbook for Sherman Hemsley?
Because I love that down-home Louisiana spicy cooking.
I love the way you say that. Wait a minute. Wheeziana!
- Say it. - Wheeziana!
I love it. Wheeziana.
Yeah, Wheezy. I love Wheeziana.
Check this out. Isn't this incredible?
The man is Sherman Hemsley.
The book is Cooking with Sherman Hemsley. Yeah! Thank you.
- Take a look at what's on Zoo TV. - Why not?
All right, here we go.
George Jefferson, what are you up to now?
Live via the Zoo TV satellite from Cairo, Egypt...
...it's Isabel "Wheezy" Sanford!
Isabel, you look as beautiful as ever!
Sherman, it's nice to see you as cute and tiny as ever!
Of course, I'm watching you on a tiny, little monitor.
The magic is still there, people. Isn't it beautiful?
We're seeing a magical reunion. That's what it's about. People coming together.
If we move together, we can move it on up. Right?
- That's right! - Isn't that right, Wheezy?
- Oh, yeah. - Yeah.
Sing it, Wheezy!
Thank you!
I'd like to thank my guests Mr. Sherman "George Jefferson" Hemsley.
Miss Isabel "Wheezy" Sanford!
We're The Edge, Adam Clayton and Larry Mullen Jr.
My name is Bono. Remember, I'm not a god, I just play one on television.
We'll see you tomorrow night on Zoo TV Late at Night. Thank you!
Hello. My name is Leslie Chapman.
I am an actor/dancer here in Hollywood.
You might recognize me.
I did a very popular Michael Jackson video a few years back.
Anyhow, times have been tough, with the economy and whatnot.
So if you know anybody who needs a good actor/dancer...
...give my agent, Mike Gorman, a call, and we can set something up.
Until then...
Welcome back to the steam room.
Our producer thought it would be funny to be in here.
Why don't we get him in here to breathe in the fake smoke that kills?
- Look. It's our producer. - Bad idea.
You like what you're putting us through?
- That's the problem. - Take off your sweater.
Every joke I write doesn't work.
- You tuned out 100,000 viewers. - He's wearing a sweater.
- So how's the salmon? Is it good? - It's delicious.
- You glad you ordered it? - Yes, I am.
I don't know what's wrong with this. Is polenta supposed to be tangy?
You're not getting a piece. All I had today was soup. I'm famished.
Did I ask you for any of your salmon? Did I say I wanted any?
- Like I don't know what you're up to. - I don't want any of your salmon.
But I'm not gonna eat the polenta. It's not agreeing with me. No, no.
- Have it. It's a nice piece of fish. - I don't want it.
- It's a nice piece of fish. - I don't need it. Please.
- Then stop pouting. - Lf I was gonna pout, I'd be your son.
- Like father like son, can I say that? - That kid has no business sense.
I recall you and your partner not having much luck with the Nova business.
I don't know what you're talking about. That's ancient history.
You want me to give Pishek a call?
You're gonna bring up Pishek? Pooey on Pishek, all right?
Pishek's a no-good, lying S.O.B. May he rot in hell, that bastard.
- Now I can't eat. My digestion's upset. - I can't eat either. I'm not gonna eat.
You want me to eat with Pishek on my mind? I thought we were past Pishek.
[ENGLISH]